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  • Writer's pictureThe Chief

No Dole Queues For Dockers

In our recent podcast on Sunday the 5th April we decided to brainstorm some ideas about alternative professions for players. With the AFL in such a precarious position and travelling through these unprecedented times, we ran scenarios regarding which players would be conducive to particular forms of employment should, God forbid, footy was never to return. The interesting results suggest that for the player’s sake and for our mental well-being, we need footy back. Play in hazmat suits if you have to!

Unbeknown to me before Sunday's podcast, the Betting Badger was making his debut in the West Perth studio alongside Jojo McDonnell, albeit apparently adhering to the social distancing regulations, while yours truly held down the studio in the peel region.

All three of us came up with researched suggestions, some more researched than others. Oddly enough though the Badger, revealed to be a West Coast Fan, threw in a few employment prospects for a few Eagle’s. We listened to what he had to say, discussed where he had gone wrong and then we corrected them for him.

Here we took it a step further and elaborated on the allocated professions. So grab a coffee, sit back and have a read and see where your beloved Dockers could end up.

Brandon Matera – Ukrainian Gas Company Director

We need to keep in mind this a light hearted throwaway time filling in piece because we’re taking cheap shots at times. It’s safe to say Brandon Matera hasn’t set the world on fire on the field in his career to date. Despite that fact he has been very well remunerated for that service, is there a possibility Brandon has been living off the famously talented Matera name? With no experience, expertise or even ability in the field, Hunter Biden, the son of US presidential candidate Joe Biden, received $80k per month to sit on the board of Burisma Holdings, a Ukrainian Gas company. Living off his old man’s name and connections? That’s a bit harsh…. Brandon, son of Wally and nephews of Peter and Phil, might be trading on the Matera name but unlike Hunter, Brandon has some ability. Take the gig if it comes Brandon..... but unlike Hunter Biden I am not quite sure your your old man has the clout to get a prosecutor fired!

Blake Acres – Farmer

Sometimes you talk something up so much that even when it becomes blatantly evident it’s going nowhere and what you’re banging on about has failed dismally, it’s difficult to back down. So I’ve somewhat adopted a version of the Chinese face saving technique or maybe it could be suggested I’m going with Donald Trump’s when you’re wrong you’re still right philosophy with Blake Acres. To continue my unfunny trend of Blake’s namesake references, his alternate profession would inevitably be a farmer.

Brennan Cox – Supermarket Intern

We weren’t quite sure where JoJo McDonnell was going with this one but he did manage to link it all together. Brennan Cox was recruited as a defender, we tried to turn him into a forward and now we’re re-uniting him with his fellow defensive colleagues. Jojo suggested that a comparable profession would be a supermarket intern given the various roles he could be sent to perform. For a few weeks he may be packing shelfs in the middle of the store, next minute he might be up forward on the checkout before ending up taking deliveries out the back.

David Mundy – The Milkman

He’s the old fashioned player who forever just goes about his business with no fanfare and everyone loves him. He’s getting on in years and some refer to him as the old man. So with the old fashion values it seems to me that he would be in an old fashioned profession. The old fashioned Milkman was a noble profession. Everyone loved the milkman, they’re usually getting on in years and even when they’re under pressure for time they continue to deliver the goods. David Mundy is the cream that rises to the top when the pressure goes on and he always finds a way to deliver. Milkman Mundy.

Josh Kennedy – Train Driver

The live Badger revealed himself to be a West Coast supporter and with that being the case he threw Josh Kennedy into the arena. Now the brewery owning Badger thought Josh Kennedy had the ideal image and capabilities to be a world class brewer. He’s a strong lad, and has the quintessential brewer's beard. We’ll give the Badger points because it wasn’t a bad selection but it just didn’t sit well enough in the negative for us in relation to the Freo / West Coast rivalry. Having watched Josh Kennedy last year and through the pre-season and round one this year, it appears to me that age and injury is catching up with the man we’re even prepared to call the Great JK. Sadly it looks as though he has lost his advantageous agility. Consequently his inability to run turns tells us he is on train tracks. When asked what they would like to be when they grow up, a lot of young kids would say, a train driver! We wonder if Josh Kennedy was one of them.

Isaiah Butters – Clarence the Barber

JoJo nailed it with Izzy Butters. He relayed a story that Izzy rates himself with the hair clippers so much so that in the boarding house at school he performed his artistry on his schoolmates. Apparently he was nicknamed Bad Barber and they began calling him Clarence, as Clarence the Barber shop owner in the movie Coming to America, played by Eddie Murphy. So if football fails to return then Isaiah “Clarence” Butters has a head start on a profession to fall back on, an old-school wisecracking talented hair clipping Barber.

Lloyd Meek – Pepsi Sales Rep

JoJo was on a roll and he came up with the highly appropriate position of Pepsi Company sales rep for ruckman Lloyd Meek. He’s doing nothing wrong in recent times but he is continuing to play back up ruck to Sean Darcy. So it’s safe to say that poor Lloyd Meek is in the position of being second pick and will only get chosen if something happens to Darcy. So to relay that to being a Pepsi Sales rep, you can see where JoJo was going. Sean Darcy at the moment is working for Coca Cola while Lloyd Meek is the Pepsi rep. You only have a Pepsi if there is no Coke!

Lachie Schultz – Department of Fire Emergency and Services

There wasn’t a great deal we could find or come up in relation to Lachie Schultz if we didn’t go down the obvious choice of allocating him a position as a Sargent of the Guard in a German run prisoner of war camp. So looking at his recent games there was something of an incident that made me think he’d be employed by DFES. Going back a month or so Freo played Carlton in a preseason match at Rushton Park in Mandurah. One piece of play stood out when Lachie Schultz blatantly went for goal and absolutely snubbed Sam Sturt who was virtually alone in the forward fifty. I figured if you’re that confident in burning someone that bad then your services are needed on the bushfires front line, control and back burning.

Jesse Hogan – Safety Testing and Development for BMW

It’s no surprise to anyone to that the great Jesse Hogan has had his troubles and while we are continually wishing him all the very best, he’s a purple man now. As such he’s not immune to and can’t escape the light hearted self-deprecating jabs of Fremantle fans. In one of Jesse’s recent escapades he managed to test out the durability and safety rating of a BMW when somehow he managed to flip it on a suburban street. When he crawled to his feet, he got up, dusted himself off and gave the X5M SUV BMW a massive pass mark.

Jack Darling – Health and Safety Officer

The Badger chimed in with his second selection from the West Coast Eagles, this time forward Jack Darling. He suggested there was nothing Darling couldn’t do and had the word of opportunity at his feet. My Kitchen Rules champion, Get the Celebrity Out of Here winner, record priced house seller on the Block… his list of possibilities was endless. We didn’t like those ideas so we corrected them to reflect a more accurate prospect, which we believe would be a draconian health and safety officer. Given his affinity with let’s say minor injuries for major reaction, such as the paper cut he suffered which saw him sit out for six weeks, we believe Broadway Jack Darling would be ensuring everything is bubble wrapped and cotton-wool covered as he does the rounds in his Health and Safety role.

Joel Hamling – Lottery Winner

With not exactly a substantial body of work of elite games it occurred to Jojo McDonnell that Joel Hamling need not worry if football disappeared as he’d win the lottery. The former Geelong recruit found his way to the Bulldogs and seemingly was unheard of until he was a member of the dog’s 2016 premiership. Joel suddenly found fame and fortune having offers thrown at him left right and centre and thankfully he found his way home to WA and into the purple. While Joel Hamling is a talented defender excelling at the one percenters, it still resembles that of a rags to riches story for the ages. Don’t worry about the football Joel, you’ve already got the Powerball.

Liam Henry – Foot Locker

According to JoJo McDonnell, the future superstar Liam “Fonzy” Henry is a “shoe-in” to work at, and at some stage probably own, a Foot Locker store. He told us that during the 2019 school footy season, Liam Henry would turn up with a new set of boots each week as people were constantly sending him pairs. So he would hand them out to all his teammates, the whole range and colours. He knew which teammates needed which boots and all the sizes so he has virtually already done the on the job training. He’ll walk straight into a managerial position at Foot Locker before Henry owns a chain of them around the country.

Nat Fyfe – Second Chance Boutique Operator

JoJo McDonnell was on his own with this one. As he himself has an affinity with the latest fashion, he thought Fyfe could benefit from owning what is apparently known as a Second Chance Fashion Boutique. With Fyfe being on the cutting edge of fashion, what he wears is in style today and out of fashion tomorrow. So with the enormous turnover of high quality and expensive label clothing Fyfey goes through, JoJo thought he could mitigate some of his losses and start a 'wear them today flog them tomorrow' racket. It could work because Fyfey has the business head as well as being the latest trend setter. That said, yep you’re still on your own with that one JoJo.

Leno Thomas – Delivery Driver for Dan Murphy’s

Now I love a knock-about scoundrel. Growing up if you didn’t nudge the barriers and fracture an occasional law or two you ironically weren’t trustworthy. Young Leno Thomas, a talented individual that could make a big name for himself in the future, found himself in a bit of hot water recently when he got pinched for driving marginally over the alcohol limit. Personally I think it was an unfair charge as Leno had simply taken a pre-emptive strike against Coronavirus, rinsing his mouth with an alcohol based mouth wash. Anyway we’re not hanging the youngster on that bogus charge but we’re using it allocate Leno Thomas with a delivery driver’s position at Dan Murphy’s.

Luke Shuey – Sniper

The Betting Badger chipped in with his third and final player to discuss and it was West Coast’s Luke Shuey. The Badger seemed to try his hand at a play on words and he came up with a Shoe Maker. Now we love a pun and a play on words at the Restump but that was a horrendous effort and simply wasn’t going to cut it. Having watched Luke Shuey quite closely its blatantly evident he would be a talented sniper in the SAS. On field, despite his denials, he’s extremely patient and calculating. He picks his moment, makes sure he has cover and then pulls the trigger and whacks or drops the knees or pushes an opponent’s head into the ground. It’s a well-orchestrated and covert tactic which would see him be a world class marksman in the army or SAS or wherever Snipers are employed.

Sean Darcy – Travel Show Presenter

We mentioned the big man Coca Cola Darcy earlier but I actually have him pegged for a career in the travel TV show business. It relates to what he had to do as a junior playing for the Geelong Falcons. To get to Falcons training, Darcy had to skip his final class of the day, walk to the nearby tram stop, take a 30-minute ride to Southern Cross Station, jump on a train to Geelong, arriving about 5pm. He then needed a lift from the station and would arrive at the Falcons’ Highton training base. He’d stay at his grandparents’ house in Geelong that night and be off by 6am the following morning on the train back to Melbourne for school. Had the highly disciplined and focused Darcy filmed and narrated his journey; he’d have a regular spot on Getaway.

Cam McCarthy – Nestle Sales Rep for KitKat

After being drafted by the Greater Western Sydney Giants in 2014, McCarthy asked for a trade back to Western Australia at the end of 2015. GWS wouldn’t budge despite Fremantle’s efforts so he was stuck at the Sydney club. However, McCarthy decided that he wanted out and to return to WA so he made the extraordinary decision to sit out the final year of his contract with GWS and hope to join Fremantle then. With that story being the basis for his allocated alternate career, we see McCarthy working for Nestle in charge of the KitKat brand. “Have a break, have a KitKat.”

Matt Taberner – Postman

The infamous Matty Taberner, some people love him some people loath him. Here at The Restump we love him so his allocated alternative profession had to be fitting. JoJo probably nailed the ideal career for Tabs, that being a postman. Sometimes the postal workers provide wonderfully efficient service, they're highly communicative and you get your parcel the next day. Then on the flip side of the coin, more often than not, the parcel goes completely missing. The postal service frighteningly reflects Matty Taberner in so many ways. The Postman will now forever be Tab’s moniker but in a term of endearment manner.

Connor Blakely – Tradie / Bank Robber

Both Jojo and I were somewhat on the same page with Connor Blakely regarding the surfing reference but we did choose different career paths. Back in 2017 Blakely threw in the “I’m crook as a dog” note and left training early. He was sprung moments later catching waves with mates and consequently was stood down for obvious disciplinary reasons. Jojo thought Blakely would be the stereotypical tradie downing tools with similar excuses at the drop of a hat to go surfing. I am of the opinion that even a tradie’s hours would be too much of a cage for Blakely and consequently I see him in the free spirited role of a Bank Robber. Bodhi from Point Break was modeled on Connor Blakely. Robbing banks to fund his endless summer surfing somewhere.

Sam Switkowski – Clinical Drug Trial Patient

While we weren’t on board with Jojo’s Fyfe thoughts, we’re backing him in with the gig he has allocated Sam Switkowski. He was the first AFL player to raise the alarm about being potentially infected with Coronavirus and while the test came back negative, JoJo isn’t sure Switkowski didn’t deliberately put himself in knowing he was negative. Sam could see that the footy season was on shaky ground and that inevitable salary cuts were coming. Switkowski got on the front foot and put his name ahead of the queue to take part in any potential clinical trial. He worked out swiftly that there was salary subsidising funds to be made. No doubt Sam has a list of asx listed healthcare companies on the cusp of drug trials.

So that brings us to an end of the possible alternative professions. We couldn’t do the entire team but we may revisit those who missed out another day. We don’t take life to serious and in these weird times we have to be able to have a bit of a chuckle, if even at our own and our team’s expense.

We desperately hope none of the above come to fruition because we all desperately want to see the players in their most suited profession, which is out in the middle wearing the purple and chasing a Sherrin.

Please come back football.... we need you!

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